Can you see the look of uncertainty in his eyes. The not knowing and excitement all wrapped up into one package. We were waiting in the carpool line. Talking it up, all the fun things that were to come that morning. He said, “If I miss you I will put my kissing hand up to my cheek”. Reading The Kissing Hand is a must before the first day of school! He kissed both of my hands and I told him, “My kissing hands will be stuck to my cheeks all morning”. He got out of the car, I gave him the biggest hug set him down on the grass on his little feet and a teacher called his name, that he knew, held his hand and led him off to his classroom. He never even glanced back at me. Success, he was so secure and ready to go, no tears, no running back to me. I sat back in my car pulled the car up and cried so hard I know the world could hear my heart being wrenched so painfully.
How long ago was it that he was in my body just a little creation that I carried within me. The time came to have him enter the world and I sighed knowing he would be my last.. my last pregnancy, my last birth, my last stay at the hospital, my last baby to hold and love, my last to watch his first everything. Now he is four and it is the beginning of the end. He and I have a bond so strong it is unbreakable. I know that but today between 9 and 11:52 I felt broken and lost and just down right homesick to my stomach.
As Moms we give and we give and it never stops. We give without thinking in the middle of the night when the baby cries and we are there. We give when they cry out or yell our names. We give when we hold them and have no time to do it. We give all of who we are to our children. As a mom, a truly good mom, we give without counting the cost. Then they walk to that school building and don’t even glance back and you are left with so much more to give but all that comes out is tears! I know he is only 4 and I have so much more to give him, teach him, learn from him. However, this is a milestone when the last one starts school.
He asked me before he hugged his way out of the car, “What if I am scared?” I told him, “All the teachers are moms you just tell them and they will make you feel better. Remember you are never alone God is with you”. He replied, “Oh yeah, He is”. Thank you God for being with me on this day. It is such a painful experience yet wonderful also because you get to see your child grow and learn. The letting go is the hardest part. For all you moms who have had to let your babies go, I truly can say now that I understand.
When I returned to pick him up I stood outside the car in the carpool line and meet him at that door with a hug that I thought I would never end. It was like coming home from camp as a kid and everything was right again in that instance. He had a great time, did not miss me once and was never scared. Thank you God for getting me through this day and letting it be over so I can move on to the next one. We moms all share a common bond one of love, sorrow, growth and faith that no matter what the age or the stage we can keep, keeping on for our children!